sorry it's been so long...

(warning - this is a sorta TMI blog)

i've been really out of it and lacking motivation to work at my weight loss in the last couple months. most of the time, i'm still thinking about making healthy choices as far as food, but i haven't been counting my calories and i've definitely overdone it with junk food several times. i think the biggest thing holding me back right now is that i don't have any desire to go outside and do things. i try to convince myself, but i just don't get anywhere. i just feel so lazy! i really don't want to do ANYTHING most days and it bugs the heck out of me.

i think the problem might be that i've quit taking my antidepressant. i realize this maybe doesn't sound like an awesome plan, but hear me out: i was on the lowest dose prescribed, i forgot to take it half the time anyway (so i effectively was on half of the lowest prescribed dose), and the thing that actually made me decide to quit taking it - reports of it causing birth defects when taken by pregnant women. that may sound like a "well duh" but when i started taking it, i was under the impression that the only significant risk in pregnancy with this drug was a slightly increased risk of miscarriage. maybe it sounds bad, but i'd rather have a miscarriage than have a child that has a significant birth defect that will directly affect their quality of life or expected lifespan.

i'm not pregnant yet, but my husband and i have been married for eight years now and have used birth control off and on, but overall have probably had at least five years worth of unprotected sex under our belt without getting pregnant. i'm sure my weight is a big piece of why we haven't gotten pregnant since i have an irregular cycle and most info points to my weight keeping me from ovulating at regular intervals.

sometimes i blame my husband for us not having a child yet because if he doesn't feel like sex, he will refuse every advance i make (even the dressing up sexy and trying to be all seductive thing that EVERYONE suggests) and, if i push the issue once he's said no, he gets mad and flat out ignores me. even if i tell him i think i may be ovulating based on my fertility signs. but i have no proof that we would have gotten pregnant even if he was more cooperative because no doctor i've been to has been willing to do any testing to really see, definitively, whether or not i ovulate. they've suggested i take clomid, but i don't see the point in taking it when there's a good chance my husband won't feel like sex during the couple days leading up to ovulation. the blood tests i've had done always come back normal and the doctors i've seen say they think i likely ovulate most (if not every) cycle, just not every 4 to 5 weeks like most women seem to.

we've had the "are you maybe just not really ready to try for a baby?" discussions and i've gone back on the pill once and offered to use condoms and all those things. nothing has made a difference and he insists that he'd be ecstatic about having a baby ASAP. but i always feel like he isn't willing to hold up his end of the deal to make it happen. we've talked about him going in to have a semen analysis done, but he avoids the topic and, at the very least, won't make the appointment himself. i suppose if i made an appointment for him he'd probably go, but somehow it doesn't seem right for me to push him to do it. i dunno.

i guess i need to commit myself to getting healthy in case it happens and try to not worry about making it happen. but anyone who's ever spent any length of time trying to get pregnant knows that's WAY easier said than done.

an intro to start

well, howdy. thanks for stopping by. this is my first post in this blog, so i guess i'll start by talking about myself. i suppose i'll be doing plenty of that anyway, but i'd like to let you know a little about what you can expect from me and what i'm likely to write about to help you decide whether or not i'm worth bookmarking. :)

i'm a 26 y/o married woman. i'm about to turn 27....in like five days. i've been married for six years, and i don't have kids. this is mostly not by choice. in a lot of ways, i'm not in a hurry to have kids - i'm poor, i wouldn't have the option of staying at home with kids (and, well, i don't want to have kids so i can pay somebody else to raise them), and i have other "personal" issues that i'd really like to deal with before having children. (i'll get to those in a moment.) at the same time, i'm not entirely sure that we CAN have kids, seeing as it's been six years of mostly not using any form of birth control and here the two of us are. and, being poor and without health insurance, we really don't know why. or if we really have any hope of having children. and THAT is the frustrating part.

there are basically two "personal" issues that i'd prefer to have dealt with before having kids. one is that i'm overweight. i don't mean i have a little pudgy belly and can't squeeze into a size 2. i'm 5'4" and i weigh about 300 lbs. i've weighed as much as 320 lbs, but when one sets out to lose 170 lbs (my goal weight is 150 lbs), one can't expect it to happen overnight. i'm hoping that blogging about this will help me to identify things that are holding me up in my weight-loss, and come up with some solutions. i'm also hoping that it will give me a good outlet to celebrate my successes. :)

the other issue is that i'm a clutterbug and a packrat. i keep too much stuff because i'm either afraid i'll get rid of something that i'll need in the future, or because i know *someone* could use it....but i never get around to actually taking it to whatever charity or friend or whomever. i tend to get overwhelmed by the disaster area that is my house. i don't know where to start, or i get started and run out of steam half-way through the job. seriously, it would be impossible to childproof my house at this point in time. i also know that i lose a lot of money by replacing things that i have but can't find. i probably half at least three can openers, twelve nail clippers, and at least twenty pairs of tweezers. seriously.

so besides my "problems," i also enjoy photography, knitting and crocheting, gardening (i kind of fail miserably at that one, tho), reading, sewing, music (i'm a former band and orchestra nerd....and a bass head....does that make sense??), and cycling. i live in northern michigan, so spending time outdoors is great as long as it isn't too cold! (and this summer has been bizarre-ly cold...) i love critters and have several cats. i'm sort of a hippie, but i usually feel very tied-down/held back by what people expect of me. my biggest goal in life is to be my own person - to actually be able to dedicate myself to things that are important to me (family, friends, environmental issues, self expression, etc) rather than things that i do because i feel like i have to (work a b.s. job and try to be a "normal" person....it makes me feel like a bitchy old lady!).

i think i'm going to sign off for now....there's a lot more i could say, but i'm sure i'll have plenty of time to say it in the future.

peace/love/respect
*berrie~blu*