sorry it's been so long...

(warning - this is a sorta TMI blog)

i've been really out of it and lacking motivation to work at my weight loss in the last couple months. most of the time, i'm still thinking about making healthy choices as far as food, but i haven't been counting my calories and i've definitely overdone it with junk food several times. i think the biggest thing holding me back right now is that i don't have any desire to go outside and do things. i try to convince myself, but i just don't get anywhere. i just feel so lazy! i really don't want to do ANYTHING most days and it bugs the heck out of me.

i think the problem might be that i've quit taking my antidepressant. i realize this maybe doesn't sound like an awesome plan, but hear me out: i was on the lowest dose prescribed, i forgot to take it half the time anyway (so i effectively was on half of the lowest prescribed dose), and the thing that actually made me decide to quit taking it - reports of it causing birth defects when taken by pregnant women. that may sound like a "well duh" but when i started taking it, i was under the impression that the only significant risk in pregnancy with this drug was a slightly increased risk of miscarriage. maybe it sounds bad, but i'd rather have a miscarriage than have a child that has a significant birth defect that will directly affect their quality of life or expected lifespan.

i'm not pregnant yet, but my husband and i have been married for eight years now and have used birth control off and on, but overall have probably had at least five years worth of unprotected sex under our belt without getting pregnant. i'm sure my weight is a big piece of why we haven't gotten pregnant since i have an irregular cycle and most info points to my weight keeping me from ovulating at regular intervals.

sometimes i blame my husband for us not having a child yet because if he doesn't feel like sex, he will refuse every advance i make (even the dressing up sexy and trying to be all seductive thing that EVERYONE suggests) and, if i push the issue once he's said no, he gets mad and flat out ignores me. even if i tell him i think i may be ovulating based on my fertility signs. but i have no proof that we would have gotten pregnant even if he was more cooperative because no doctor i've been to has been willing to do any testing to really see, definitively, whether or not i ovulate. they've suggested i take clomid, but i don't see the point in taking it when there's a good chance my husband won't feel like sex during the couple days leading up to ovulation. the blood tests i've had done always come back normal and the doctors i've seen say they think i likely ovulate most (if not every) cycle, just not every 4 to 5 weeks like most women seem to.

we've had the "are you maybe just not really ready to try for a baby?" discussions and i've gone back on the pill once and offered to use condoms and all those things. nothing has made a difference and he insists that he'd be ecstatic about having a baby ASAP. but i always feel like he isn't willing to hold up his end of the deal to make it happen. we've talked about him going in to have a semen analysis done, but he avoids the topic and, at the very least, won't make the appointment himself. i suppose if i made an appointment for him he'd probably go, but somehow it doesn't seem right for me to push him to do it. i dunno.

i guess i need to commit myself to getting healthy in case it happens and try to not worry about making it happen. but anyone who's ever spent any length of time trying to get pregnant knows that's WAY easier said than done.

why am i so tired??

life has been going pretty well lately. i still like my new job - sometimes, i have a shift that makes me want to pull my hair out, but overall, i really enjoy it. my old job has been really cooperative as far as scheduling goes. i'm scheduled one day per week there, and i've gotten a few calls when they need a shift covered. so that's working out really well, too, which is good since i like the people i work with there and the little extra money i make by staying there has allowed me to start building up some savings.

i've also started regularly attending bellydance fitness classes. i've been going to one or two classes per week. it's awesome! i don't know how else to describe it. i just love it. :) some friends of mine are getting me into pole dance classes too. i paid for five classes at a big discount, but i don't know if i'll keep going after those five classes. it's a lot of fun, and a serious work-out, but there's a lot of stuff that i can't do there because of my weight. so i dunno. i might keep going, or i might give it up til i've lost a bit more weight. i guess i'll decide for sure when i'm at my fourth or fifth class, so i can see how much progress i'm making. i've only been to one class so far and my second will be today.

so, what i don't understand, is why am i so tired? i don't mean physically tired - that would fully make sense, since i'm working between 40 and 45 hours a week when, for a long time, i was working less than 20 most of the time and almost never over 30. i'm mentally tired. my brain doesn't want to function, i have no motivation to do anything around the house or to exercise outside of the classes i've been taking. i'm struggling with tracking my calories. i'm all whiney and cryey and i don't even want to get dressed most of the time. it's pretty standard for me to feel like this in december or january....but it's april, the sun is out, plants are coming back to life....why do i feel like this? i just don't get it.

i'm blue (aba di aba die...)

i dunno if it's s.a.d. kicking in (it was totally dark before 6:30 today, after all) or if i'm now over-medicating or what, but i just can't make myself want to do ANYTHING the last couple days.

on the plus side, i've got a walking group going and i intend to do week one of the C25K program next week. i also might join a gym sometime soon....if i can get together some cash for it. we shall see.

i'm planning to buy some yarn that's on sale tomorrow and then i'm not buying anything for myself til after Christmas! well, nothing other than food or, like, toothpaste or, you know, things i *need*. but not craft stuff or clothes or anything like that. good thing i'm not into Christmas crafts. :)