a new hope

i haven't been paying much attention to my online life lately other than a few games that i play when i get bored. i also haven't been paying much attention to my weight loss efforts. i suppose i get discouraged easily.

i've been told that i have PCOS, so long cycles don't mean anything to me. but i was starting to feel like this last one was never going to end. i mean, mine tend to be irregular and long - usually between 35 and 60 days. this last one was over 100! i think the only time i've passed into triple digits before was right after i went off the pill. so....since i was about 98% sure i wasn't pregnant, i'm relieved to have my period.

then, thanks to the holidays and the hours i work during them, life got kinda hectic. this caused me to fall out of step on my walking schedule, and i've been craving sweets hardcore for the last month. i dunno if this is because of hormones or if it's just cuz there are so many more sweets around. anyway, i feel somewhat relieved by the number that popped up on my scale today. i've gained about 7 lbs since the end of November. so....not great...BUT at least i'm not over my start weight for the year. i won't have anywhere near met my goal for weight loss for the year, but at least i can start the new year 10 to 15 lbs down from last year. the current year, i started at the same weight as the previous year, the year before that, i started up close to 30 lbs from the year before that. so....it would have been great to say "look how much weight i've lost!" on new years' eve, but at least i'm moving in the right direction.

now it's time to start planning for next year and figuring out what i can do to end next year down more than 15 lbs.

mini wake-up call

i read a spark blog by VirgoGuRL4 that was a letter from her goal weight.
you can read the whole thing here. it was really cute, but beyond that, it was really interesting and helped me realize what i've been doing to myself lately.

my weight has been creeping up over the last few weeks. i've been slacking off, not tracking, not getting exercise in, not making sure i'm getting enough water or veggies every day, etc. my weight had gotten down to 24 lbs down....now i'm only 14 lbs down. i'm 30 lbs away from making my goal for new years. it'd be pushing it to reach that goal, but my NEW goal is to get as close to that goal as i can. it's up to ME to make that happen.

so i'm stealing part of her letter and making it my own:

Take out the index cards. It's time to write down your goals. And time for the new rules. I want those in your wallet too!

GOALS:
-cease to be obese (an eventual goal range of 160 to 170 lbs, which may become lower as i get closer to that goal) :)
-fit into a size 16 or smaller
-get my cluttered house under control
-get knocked up :)

RULES:
1) Six servings of fruits and vegetables a day.
2) At least 64 ounces of water a day.
3) Meal or snack time every 3-4 hours. Tea or water is fine in between.
4) Go to bed by 11:00 every night work or a special event doesn't prevent it. TV shows, reading "one more chapter" or looking at "one more page" online ARE NOT special events. Get up by 7:00 every morning, unless you are ACTUALLY sick.
5) Start doing 10 minutes of simple exercise (yoga, crunches, push-ups, jogging in place, etc) EVERY morning.
6) Walk (or do some sort of cardio) on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for at least 30 minutes.
7) Develop an at-home strength training plan to do on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.
8) Start planning most of your meals in advance.
9) Look your best each and every day. Take a shower, put on real clothes (things that won't get you put on PoW), and be ready to DO something with your life.
10) Stay involved and engaged with SparkPeople (or others who have similar goals). You get as much as you put out.
11) Keep cleaning, sorting, and getting rid of stuff at home. Nobody else is going to do it for you.

what are your goals? what's your plan to reach them?

a little MIA

well, the holiday season is in full swing. which really makes my head hurt. i'm working more hours (not a lot more, but still more), and weirder shifts and there are more stupid people and less down time and i'm already sick of people that are all bubbly about how great the holidays are. no, the holidays kinda suck for me. they remind me that i'm working a crap part-time job that somehow manages to work me during all the holiday events i'd like to participate in (family and community both) while still not giving me enough hours to be able to buy decent presents for most of my friends and family. they remind me that i don't have kids to take to see santa. i've been thinking about putting up my Christmas tree this year, but i really don't have a reason to put it up....and it honestly sounds like a lot of work.

i've been spending a lot of time in my head lately and generally haven't felt like writing. but i figured i should pop in and post something and let everybody out there who cares know that no, i have not fallen off the face of the earth or given up on my goals. (i have taken a few steps back, but such is to be expected when i'm "down" and stressed) i'm still around here.

c25k fail

apparently, the mall frowns upon people running/jogging there. i guess it's a liability issue. so now i'm trying to find another place that we can jog indoors. i think i'm going to have to join a gym....i don't have room in my house for a treadmill or something like that, and i don't have the money to buy a decent one anyway.

i kind of don't want to join a gym. when i have in the past, the times i'm most likely to go seem to end up being their busy time. and i really want to RUN....but i'm self conscious about all the noise i make running on a treadmill. and while the idea of "someone seeing me" work out - which i know is a big issue for a lot of overweight folks - doesn't really bother me, the idea of a whole bunch of someones does. and if i have to wait for a machine to be free, i lose momentum and usually end up cutting my work-out short. which doesn't help anything.

i'm seriously leaning towards continuing to walk at the mall like three days a week and then trying to c25k program again in the spring. i mean, there's the track at the civic center that's a full mile - and it's really a pretty nice, central location. it'll be awesome when the weather is nice. and, according to route builder the "block" i live on is half a mile around, so it could be an alright place to do my workouts when my partners in crime aren't up for it. i think i'm going to start walking outside some when the weather is half-way decent now.

i need to do something to keep from gaining all winter.

c25k - w1d1

so....i officially started the C25K program this morning. i don't know if i can really say i finished w1d1 tho. here's what the plan says the workout for w1d1 is: "Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes."

i managed to jog the full 60 seconds on the first two intervals. on the third, i stopped and stretched....since i wasn't smart enough to stretch ahead of time and my shins were already starting to hurt. then i walked my next 90 seconds. the rest of the 60 second "jogging" intervals, i ended up jogging 30 to 45 seconds and then speed walking the rest because my calves hurt so bad i couldn't make myself keep jogging. i was impressed that i didn't have a full blown asthma attack. i *did* get really out of breath, but i didn't need to use an inhaler. so.....i'm impressed.

on wednesday, i intend to get more sleep*, do a slow five minute warm-up and stretch, and *then* go into the brisk five minute warm-up for the program. but i think i'm going to need to find a better place to run indoors than the mall. we seemed to make the old folks a little uncomfortable, and the tile floor was pretty hard on my ankles.

*yeah, an old friend showed up at my house just when i was going to go to bed....and i was already going to bed later than i should have been. so i ended up going to bed at like 4:15 a.m. and only sleeping like 2 hours. PFFLT!

here goes nothing....

so today (or yesterday, depending on how you define your days), i went to my first belly dance "technique" class. i might even get to perform next month! i'm really excited to really get involved in belly dance. i took a few classes in the past but i wasn't able to consistently go to anything other than a fitness class. which was fun and (i think, anyway) a good intro into belly dance, but i want to really be able to say that i am a belly dancer. :)

another thing that i want to be able to say is that i'm a runner, and in the morning, i'm going to take the first step towards that goal. a friend and i are starting the C25K program tomorrow. nine weeks from now(or a few more if we decide to repeat a week or two), i will be able to jog 3 miles! unless i hurt myself. but i think i can do this without hurting myself. i found my ankle brace, just in case. :) now i just have to find an inhaler to take with me in the morning....

i'm blue (aba di aba die...)

i dunno if it's s.a.d. kicking in (it was totally dark before 6:30 today, after all) or if i'm now over-medicating or what, but i just can't make myself want to do ANYTHING the last couple days.

on the plus side, i've got a walking group going and i intend to do week one of the C25K program next week. i also might join a gym sometime soon....if i can get together some cash for it. we shall see.

i'm planning to buy some yarn that's on sale tomorrow and then i'm not buying anything for myself til after Christmas! well, nothing other than food or, like, toothpaste or, you know, things i *need*. but not craft stuff or clothes or anything like that. good thing i'm not into Christmas crafts. :)

fighting with myself

on the one hand, i *really* want to lose this weight. on the other hand, i struggle with temptation hardcore and i don't have a lot of real world help. i mean, i have people who'll cheer me on and who don't push me to make bad decisions, but sometimes i think i need more than that.

so here's what i think i need/need to do. i'm not sure how to make all these happen, so if anybody has any suggestions or advice, i'd love to hear them. :)

#1) start working out regularly. i'm trying to convince myself to get up in the mornings and go walk at the mall. i want to try to C25K program too - once i get myself used to moving (rather than just standing) regularly - but i have to figure out a place to do it. my lungs can't handle the cold air and i really don't want to wait til spring to do it.

#2) develop a regular sleep schedule. i've been trying to do this for awhile. i epic fail. no matter how tired i am at, say, 8 pm, when it's 10 or 11 or midnight and i'd actually like to go to bed, i can't sleep. so i need to figure out a way to get myself to actually go to sleep at like 10 or 11 so i can wake up at 6 or 7 and get stuff done before it's time to go to work or whatever else outside of the house i might need to do.

#3) develop a food plan and stick to it. i really struggle with figuring out balanced meals. i need to come up with a few "stand-by" meals that i can just stick to. this is why i lost a bunch of weight before meeting my husband, and have basically just gained since. i can eat basically the same thing every day. it doesn't bother me, in fact, i find it somewhat comforting. him, not so much. and if i tell him he has to feed himself, he just goes and gets mcdonalds. so i need to come up with my own super simple stand-bys for breakfast and lunch (which i usually eat by myself anyway) and then it won't matter so much what we end up eating together for dinner as long as i watch my portion sizes.

now i shall go shower and see if it helps me fall asleep before 2 a.m. :)

obese and pregnant

no, i'm not pregnant. as far as i know, anyway. :)

i'm watching this TLC show called "obese and pregnant". it's pissing me off and i felt the need to vent about it a little.

i'm not arguing that there aren't increased risks of complications for an overweight woman who gets pregnant, but this show makes it sound like these women are idiots for getting pregnant when they're overweight and everything that could go wrong is going to. maybe it just makes me angry cuz of my own experiences with drs.

"let's check your blood pressure....*insert surprised look here*....o, it's normal...."
"let's check you for diabetes/IR....*insert surprised look here*....o, it's normal...."
"let's check your cholesterol....*insert surprised look here*....o wow, it's excellent...."

the only "weight caused" health problems i have arthritis/joint pain (which i'm guessing is really just worse because of my weight rather than caused by it) and PCOS (which the cause and effect relationship can go either way, depending on who you listen to).

and these women can barely move! omg! i might weigh over 300 lbs, but i still go to work and stand the whole time. i can still walk a couple miles (slower than a thin person, but much faster than a lot of other larger people). i can still bike several miles. i can get up off the floor on my own, i can do a sit up, i can do push-ups, i can climb a few flights of stairs. my point is that these women were in bad health before they got pregnant, and maybe it wasn't smart of them to get pregnant without working to improve their health, but there's a big difference between a woman who isn't making an effort to be healthy through diet and exercise getting pregnant and a woman who is making an effort to be healthy through diet and exercise getting pregnant no matter what their weight is. a thin woman can still be unhealthy and have it negatively impact their pregnancy. an overweight woman who takes good care of herself can still have a healthy, uneventful pregnancy. and the fact that the medical establishment seems to think that weight is a good indicator of health always pisses me off. it's not. there's plenty of info supporting that, but apparently dr's skulls are even thicker than my fat layer.